The Juno Awards....crushing teeny bopper's hopes since 1964.

Alright guys.
So, I felt obliged to comment on the...interesting...nature of the 2010 Juno Awards. I just turned off my TV from the live show in Newfoundland, and honestly, I've never been so relieved.
To be fair, I'm Canadian. So I can freely insult Can Con without being a biased American. I am fully Canadian (eh) and take full responsibility for the shitty amazing music that comes out of this country.
Let's review the overall results:

Firstly, something that took me by surprised-Michael Buble or Bublbewjkefth (as the random french guy so eloquently put it) raped  stole all the Junos bribed the middle aged women in the audience took home 3 awards tonight. Including: Pop album of the year, Fan's choice, Single. His producer also received an award for "Havent met you yet".

Secondly, I have to bring this up. K'naan. The man can write a decent song, I'll give him that. However, his vocal chords should be locked up for committing a crime-breaking the eardrums of all Canadian viewers. He receieved an undeserved award "Artist of the year". I can't say I'd prefer Nickelback to be the winners (thank gawd their goat-like faces/voices were absent from the awards) however I'd gladly support Jbaby (aka Justin Bieber) if he had been given it. I'm too lazy to find the definition, but I'm pretty sure being an artist means you...well what DOES it mean? That you're artsy? You can play a few notes on the piano and wave your arms around? Cough, K'naan, COUGH. Oh, sorry, I'm just recovering from a bout of swine flu.
I think the people who selected this guy for artist of the year, were either:

a)being held hostage by a gang of murderers (and the Junos would be bombed if they didn't choose him)
b) deaf
c) FUCKING INSANE
d) all of the above

I'm gonna have to go with d) all of the above.
Honestly, I bet K'naan rigged this entire thing. That whole Bryan Adams schtick about helping the less fortunate? Shady. As my wise friend Paige once said "He does have a devious, snaggly-toothed grin."
How completely true! And also, anyone who wears a fedora can't be trusted. Seriously. Words to live by.

All right, enough about snaggle-toothed whatshisface. On to the important awards-like Justin Bieber.Oh, wait, he didn't WIN any awards. I bet the people who decided this are now in a mass grave. I can just see it on CNN now: Juno Committee beaten to death by vicious teeny boppers. Weapon of choice? Rolled up Tiger Beat magazines and plastic cases that once cradled the ever-so-innocent My World 2.0 album.

Har har. Don't think he deserved at least one precious Juno? Think about it: Come Juno Awards 2011, Jbaby will be back in Stratford, obese from too many diva visits to Macdonalds, homeless. Because he hit puberty. 
Let's face it, One Time just isn't the same when it's sung with a voice comparable to Louis Armstrong.
We can only hope he will stay BFFLs with Drizzy aka Drake aka Aubrey aka Dude off of Degrassi, so he can keep being relevant to my life as a teenaged girl. And if NOTHING else prevails, we'll still have an endless supply of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber.

**Note: When he was performing a rather moving and soulful rendition of "Baby" sans Ludacris, avec Drake, my Granny said, "Who's that boy? He looks about 12."**

But if you're not a Negative Nancy or a Pissy Polly or a Sarcastic Sally (like yours truly) and you wanted some rainbows and bunnies more positive aspects of the Juno Awards tonight, here you go:

1) Simple Plan didn't perform
2) Neither did Nickelback
3) Neither did Stereos
4) Bryan Adams wasn't able to perform due to volcano ash
5) Emily Haines exists

You get the picture.
I mean, we all could've survived without Blue Rodeo, some fucking irrelevant group they talked about for hours A group my mom said was around in the 70's (hello, no need to go all Middle Ages on us), and that shady guy in a cowboy hat, but hey. It's Canada. 'Nuff said.

Until next time,
J