943 ways to look pretty for free (the cost of this magazine)

Hi, so.
A few things.
I've been subscribed to Seventeen magazine for maybe two years now, and I'm beginning to wonder...why.
Open a typical issue of Seventeen and you'll find the following (I promise):

a) About 100 ads for CoverGirl
b) The ugly chicks from America's Next Top Model
c) Ways to look preppy chic, boho glam, edgy goth, or flirty fun
d) An article warning a breakthrough report which upon further inspection contains absolutely nothing of substance
e) Tips on how to get guys

I got a new issue today in the mail, which happened to include all of the above. The "celeb" gracing this cover was Shailene Woodley (Don't know who that fuck that is? Trust me, you're better off) who stars in the "hit show" Secret Life of the American Teenager. Otherwise known as Terrible acting plus Molly Ringwald  being Fat and Untalented. The show revolves around Shailene as she copes with being a teen mom. Gee, how original.
Anywho, Seventeen was clearly more desperate than usual this month. On the cover under her name, it says "She's not the girl you think she is." This got me wondering, what do people think of her? Do they think she's actually pregnant? If so, they're fucking stupid gullible. The only other thing I can imagine people are thinking is, Who the fuck is this girl? I read the supposedly revealing interview inside, and was just riveted by her intelligence.
Seriously? She's about as smart as a box of rocks.
The rest of the magazine was predictable and cheesy, as per usual. It included the usual quotes from teens that are supposedly just like us, however, nobody I know would ever say, "I love that these sky-high open-toed heels are feminine but edgy too!" Without sarcasm/laughter/mocking gestures. Seriously.
They managed to squeeze in some of the fugly ANTM competitors (small photos, thank you very much) which I anticipated.
Lastly, the seriously SCANDALOUS article that was a "17 Special Report". Like ooo000ooh. Watch out! A special report! The scandal was titled "Could Hollywood trick you into getting pregnant?"
I tell you, if I was standing up I would have fallen over. Out of all of the ridiculous things I've read in my life, this is by far the most ridiculous with a capital R. Someone at Seventeen should be getting fired right about now.
Whoever watched Juno and decided that being pregnant would instantly make them super indie and cool, deserves to endure a screaming baby all night every night. Because they are off their rocker. 100% delusional.
If you're gonna blame Hollywood for your pregnancy, then I'm going to have to slap you in the face. Because, oh, I don't know, there's this thing called birth control, and it's so you can control giving birth.

DUH. 

I conclude with the realization that our generation is stark raving mad.

Peace,
J