I probably should have planned this better.

Hey readers, who I've been accumulating, I'm excited to report. But not to worry, my ego isn't big or anything. Bow down, minions!

I've decided to address an issue that has become exceedingly worrisome only recently.
I won't beat around the bush.
I'll get right to it.
So here's the thing: My mom is in love with a gay man.
There. I said it. It's out in the open. Damn, that elephant in the room was getting fucking gigantic.
Over the past few months, it's become obvious my mom is fully in luuurve with none other than Clinton Kelly, the fashionista from TLC's What Not To Wear. Every time he's helping a new, overweight mullet adorned middle aged loser beautiful woman, my mom just gushes about how cute he is.
To tell you the truth, which I always do anyways, so that was a pointless thing to say, anyways where was I, fuck I lost my train of thought let me start over.
I don't think it's completely fair to automatically assume he's gay (makes an ASS out of U and ME) so we all must consider the following pieces of evidence:

He's on a TV show called What Not To Wear.
Telling women what to wear.
And calling their boobs "The Girls".
He also wrote a book called "Freakin' Fabulous: How to Dress, Speak, Behave, Eat, Drink, Entertain, Decorate, and Generally be Better than Everyone Else."
He-
Oh.
Oh shit.
I don't need any more proof because as I was browsing Wikipedia for witty facts to provide you, I came across this little gem: He is openly gay.
So my gaydar was correct. Although if my clues didn't help you, you're just an idiot. And/or braindead. In which case, HOW ARE YOU READING THIS? Well, it doesn't really matter to me as long as you're reading this.

Ladies and gents, I've just come across yet another dealbreaker. Yes. It gets MORE scandalous (I know, you're asking yourself, more scandalous? I can't handle it!)
As my grandmother once said, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
Actually, my grandmother never said that exclusively.
Also, don't get out, keep reading.
HE'S MARRIED.
Yes, married.
My mother is in love with a married gay man.

I guess the moral of this tragic one-sided love story is, well, clearly, don't fall for married gay men unless you're a gay man and you're already having an affair and he's leaving his spouse or you're on an episode of Passions.
If you don't fall under those category(s?), then all I have to say is...you know how all those "motivational speakers" tell you that ANYTHING is POSSIBLE and how the SKY is the limit? Blah, blah blah?
Well, they lied.
Everything is not possible.
I've told my mother a hundred times that Clinton is frankly, a little too gay and a little too cute for her.
Okay, minus the cute part. Gawd, who do you think I am? Spencer Pratt? No, I don't have a monstrous vein sticking out of my forehead or a Playboy-esque wife with no brains and fake blond hair.

Although you can sign me up for the latter, if you'd so like.

TO. THE. POINT.
Stop chasing after gay married men, people.
It's just not gonna happen.
Unless you're Mario Lopez, who looks like Ken and could probably corrupt the best of us.




PS: Still don't believe me? Watch this.