2011 already?!

It's been so fucking long since I even logged into this account that dust seems to have accumulated on my webpage. I also forgot how to begin a blog post...and middle and end it. Not that I ever did know the right way, in fact, it occurred to me that some bloggers may actually write about things people care about. I am not one of those bloggers. I prefer to bitch about things that matter to me. Fair enough, right?
So it's 2011 now, as you probably might have noticed by the endless stream of new years resolution videos on Youtube. By all means, go ahead and record a ten minute video of you rambling about how you plan to go skiing in the Arctic and actually work out for real this time. But I promise you I do not give a shit in any shape or form. For the most part I avoid New Years videos. They can be sorted into two categories: a) People who are very serious and have written an extensive list of things to fix in the new year b) People who oppose resolutions yet somehow still manage to ramble on about what their hypothetical resolutions might be if they believed in them, which of course they don't.
Right.
Well, this post will not bore you with my resolutions though I have a few. I assume most of them will be broken sooner than later and so it would be wise to keep them to myself, just making the failure that much less humiliating. Am I right? Speaking of Youtube, I've halfheartedly decided to start making more videos. Rarely will I upload a video of myself just talking. I used to do that-and I somehow acquired 29 subscribers from doing so, probably more than half are spam-but videos of random scenery. I find a good song accompanied by trees and people on swings to make for quite the compelling video.
However. I thought I'd share with a few valuable lessons I learned throughout 2010, since I refuse to go off on tangents about my plans for self-improvement in the new year. All right.
#1) Do not raid the fridge/shovel food into mouth while mother is out shopping. It is a proven fact that as soon as you have stuffed yourself silly, she will show up bearing bags full of delicious food and you will be very upset.
#2) It is possible to rent movies on iTunes. (WHO KNEW!?!?!)
#3) Green tea is simply not an acceptable substitute for coffee. Ever.
#4) Being a senior in high school is not any more enjoyable than being a freshmen. You're just taller. And permafried.
#5) They don't speak Spanish in Italy.
#6) They speak Italian.
#7) Italian is a language.
#8) Reading seven books at the same time is a little harder than you'd expect.
#9) Do not watch Portia and Ellen's wedding video without an entire box of tissues within arms reach.

I'd include more, but it's Sunday and that means last minute homework doing. Or procrastinating. They're both suspiciously alike.

I'm back (for real this time).

Okay, I know.
I've been a very bad blogger.
As in, my last entry was posted in about 500 A.D.
Truthfully I have no idea what that means exactly, nor do I care because I have an inkling it relates to the Bible and/or Jesus. However I do know it was a damn long time ago, which is quite accurate.
Well okay, June 23.
Same thing.
Life has been interesting, I suppose, for lack of a better one word description. I guess assuming I would be faithful in updating my summer adventures was a little too...assumptive. Again, look at me, lacking words.(In fact, I originally wrote 'assumptuous' but apparently that isn't a word according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. I have been living a lie). I need to brush up on this blogging business because school's coming up and frankly, there'll be a lot of encounters with braindead teenagers that will make for kick ass entries on here.
So that, my friends, is a carefully disguised apology. I'm not very good at saying I'm sorry and anyway, I'm not entirely sorry. And I'm not one to be fake.
Let's just move on, shall we? 
Yesterday I returned from a quick trip to the United States, which was made solely for the purpose of spending my parent's money on 'back to school' (back to prison) clothing. It included a six hour car ride through boring ole Ontario and New York state, made survivable only by my ipod (aka Tegan and Sara/Bright Eyes on repeat). Irrelevant sidenote: I went to a Tegan and Sara/Wintersleep/Ra Ra Riot/City & Colour concert on Saturday. Let me just say, I have never seen so many blue mohawks/mullets or lesbians in one place, like, ever, in my seventeen years of life. I also wasn't aware of Dallas Green's religious following; and by religious I mean they're willing to purchase butt ugly t-shirts that resonate with an Ed Hardy feel. That's dedication. (He was okay, I mean, if you like that whiny-all-the-songs-sound-the-same-im-so-indie-with-my-bandmate-who-wears-a-sombrero-style-hat type deal. Personally, I'll stick with Tegan and Sara who, FYI, rock.) Seriously, and I don't even have a crush on them. Although they are damn adorable...but all I have is a strict love for their music, I promise.
Besides, I wouldn't have a chance. 
Back to my previous topic: My trip may have also included the incessant mocking of America. Not to sound ultra snarky (I'm sure I will anyway), but I'm starting to re-think my decision to move there. Did you notice that people don't say "you're welcome"? Perhaps it's just the select people I spoke to while in Pennsylvania, but when you thank someone, the best you'll get in return is a half-hearted 'uh huh' or maybe, if you're lucky 'yep.'
What is WRONG with you people? In Canada, we'll apologize for someone else stepping on your toe. Now that's fucking fine hospitality, if you ask me.
I suppose if I went to the South again (it's been about five years since I drove through Kentucky/Tennessee/North Carolina/South Carolina) I would be greeted with politeness. Or so I hear. However, I'm skeptical. The last place I intend on moving to is a place surrounded by people with southern accents and hair teased up to the ceiling. Oh, and I'm not big on greasy, fried food.
I was thinking more about moving to New York City (rude people unite!) or Chicago (even though I really hate that musical, like, with a passion) but now I'm wondering if I'll ever get over the whole aspect of, well, America. First off, their money is a mind blowing thing. Did you know it's ALL ONE COLOUR? How the fuck do you know what you're giving or getting? I guess you could take 2.5 seconds to check, but it's so much easier to have a colour coded system like we do. Bam, blue five dollar bill. Bam, green twenty.
Also, who had the genius idea to invent one dollar bills? What could possibly be more useless? You could be fooled into thinking you've got tons of money, when all you've got is a shitload of one dollar bills. How completely disappointing.
Secondly, what's with you sporty American girls? I mean, I'm not necessarily complaining, but everywhere we went I saw girls in sports clothing. Like, shorts and t-shirts and the whole nine yards. Some were even carrying Coach bags while wearing sports shoes and the rest. Is this a fashion statement exclusively reserved for you guys? To be honest, I've seen better looking people in my own city. And I live in a small city, population thirty-one thousand to be precise, full of people who've scratched their faces off during a meth trip.
I mean, put on some real clothes.
This is making me sound shallow, and I swear you guys, I'm a person who is willing to look past some sports attire. If anything, the Coach purse is what would turn me off. I'm just throwing it out there, for an obese nation you sure wear your exercise clothing like it's a dress off the fucking runway in Paris.

That's all for now, folks. Remember, saying 'you're welcome' is good manners.

...Like I have any right to preach good manners.

EARTHQUAAAAKKKKEE!!!!!!!!!!

Well, we couldn't have asked for a better opening to Summer 2010, could we? If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about the random quake that hit Ontario and Quebec this afternoon.
I'm not here to obsess about it, because honestly . So the ground shook for about thirty seconds. Life went on. A picture possibly fell off your wall. Is that a problem? Pick it the fuck up.
On TV they were showing all this footage of people evacuating their buildings with expressions of pure panic. It's like, really? I know it's G20 and all, but I think this is just proof how uptight everyone is these days. Especially if you live on the 70th floor of some office building, are you really gonna run like a chicken with it's head cut off down 70 floors? By the 65th floor they must have realized that the shaking stopped, and surprise surprise they were still alive. But no they had to run down to floor level which ended up turning into a nice smoke break and pleasant, intelligent conversation with a news crew.
For example (if you didn't have the unfortunate pleasure of seeing one of these riveting interviews on TV):

Your Average Naive Canadian: I was sittin' in my desk chair, and all of a sudden the chair was moving. But...I wasn't moving.
Reporter: Oh wow!

Are you  fucking KIDDING me? Is our country really that boring that we need to put shit like this on TV? I don't think I could dream up a more pointless conversation if I tried. And trust me when I say I go to school with people who have the IQ of a small igneous rock.
Another thing I found humorous but also incredibly depressing was the amount of Facebook statuses proclaming the same thing: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THERE WAS AN EARTHQUAKE LIKE MY HOUSE SHOOK AND THIS IS  CRAZY AND THE WORLD IS ENDING.
If you haven't been informed yet, earthquakes occur when the tectonic plates (which basically make up the surface of planet earth) shift. Big whoop. They have them frequently in other countries, it doesn't mean there's going to be swarms of locusts and a giant flood and the bible is going to come to life. Or something. If it did, I'd totally part the red sea. (I have no idea what I'm even talking about).
On the topic of extremely overrated events, let's talk briefly about the MMVA's while I'm here and committing to a blog post. To sum them up quite easily, Justin Bieber has officially gone through a voice change, Miley Cyrus likes to wear hardly any clothing at all, and there is so much horrid Can con in this country that I had to mute half of the red carpet show.
Seriously, if you're game to see Stereos play an acoustic performance then you might as well go fall off a cliff. I'm sorry, but you are an idiot.
The mute button was my best friend for that entire thing.
One last thought-how is Russell Brand married to Katy Perry? She deserves better.
Also known as me.
Just throwing that out there.

The Hills: Diminish any existing brain cells in under half an hour!

Hello, everyone! Yes, I know, I've been gone far too long. But, you don't give a shit why I was gone, you just want me back. I see. (Is that cocky? Rargghh). If you're wondering why anyways, I've been feeding my obsession with Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Specifically, the current one, Fresh Meat 2. I have a man-crush on Kenny Santucci. And an actual crush on Laurel.
Otherwise, it's just been kind of a hiatus, observing new things to bitch write about, you know the deal. Or do you? If you're a non-writer, non-reader (if so, please fall off a cliff) then I guess you wouldn't know the effort slash rewarding nature of being one. But sometimes it gets a little tiresome and you need a break to think of fresh ideas.
Either way, I'm back. Think of me as Jaina 2.0, Turbo Sarcasm 500. If that makes sense. I really ought to take up teaching classes on being sarcastic, or at least on how to complete an i-will-wilt-you-like-a-flower-step-down-you-pathetic-piece-of-wobbly-no-backboned-snake stare. I've gotten compliments on my abilities.
I'm going to stop being a completely self-centered Spencer Pratt-like human being (minus the crystals and the psycho wife) and get down to it. In fact, speaking of The Hills alumni, today I've got a bone to pick with more than just the good ole Pratt family. Who we all know is way past Crazytown and is making a dash towards Bonkersville. I realize a few posts ago, I did one solely focusing on the Heidi transformation.

However-The ENTIRE Hills cast, apart from Jayde Nicole, who can be a bitch to me any time, is the most annoying group of people I have ever observed from the safety of my couch.  And I've watched many countless, mindless episodes of The Real Housewives of _______(fill in your cougartown of choice). Each week, in the 10 Spot on MTV, you can tune in to see the ever so conflicted lives of Audrina Patridge, Kristin Cavallari, Brody Jenner, Stephanie Pratt, Mr. and Mrs. Spencer Pratt (aka the psychotic black magic clan) and who else...oh yeah, Lo something-or-other and Heidi's sister who's always either crying or drunk off her ass. Quite the bunch, eh? Literally, all they do is drink, gossip about fake gossip that their producers tell them to gossip about, and shop for shoes.Repeatedly. Oh, and throw in a few catfights, drug rumours and the most pointless conversations ever to take place. (All pre-planned and rehearsed, no less).
For research purpose ONLY, I've been watching every week. Let me tell you, the commercial breaks have become a relief. Whenever Audrina is on the screen, I feel like clawing out my eyeballs. You guys. I DON'T THINK SHE HAS A BRAIN. I wish I could say I'm over-exaggerating. I'm sure many of you know what I mean. She puts a lot of thought into everything she says, it's like, you can see the wheels turning, but nothing comes out except a jumble of likes and ums. Her actual speaking time on The Hills is probably at the rate of one or maybe two sentences a week. If she feels up to it. As long as she's got a six pack and a new hipster boyfriend to leech on to, she's golden.
Good grief.
As for Kristin Cavallari, where the fuck did she come from? I mean, I know she did Laguna Beach, but where did she go before Lauren Conrad ditched the shit show and gave her an opportunity to be a reality tv whore again? More importantly, WHY IS HER VOICE SO HOARSE ALL THE TIME? Hasn't she heard of Fisherman's Friend or Halls? Somebody give this girl a lozenge, stat. 
To be honest, I used to love The Hills. (The first and second season, when I was a young grasshopper). I ate up Lauren and Jason's "drama" and hated on Spencer (some things never change). Mostly, I can recall Heidi's cute little face with her pointy chin and dark eyebrows. Well, it's a faint memory. If you've been hiding under a rock, lucky for you, you haven't endured the awkward plastic sight that is Heidi Montag...shall we say, remodeled, for lack of a nicer better word.

 *Mom crying* "What? You act like I have a new face or something."

 If you've recently been in a grocery store or on the internet, you've seen headlines about the dysfunctional pair. Let's go from beginning to current disaster, shall we? The following are all Heidi Us Weekly covers: "I Was Betrayed By Spencer", "Why I Called Off My Wedding", "I'm Ready To Say I Do", "Heidi And Spencer Elope", "Revenge Plastic Surgery", "Her Mom's Fury", "Addicted To Plastic Surgery", "Destroyed By Fame". There's probably more, but you get the point.
What do others think of the duo? One online comment read:

Too bad all that surgery didn't do anything for her brain!!!!! She's still a retard who's so damn fake and "in love" with that tool of a boyfriend.

How nice of you, anonymous commenter. In Time magazine, they were recently crowned one of the least influential public figures. The article states: "“You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now you’re not famous. That was fast.”
658 copies? Wow, if I were her, I'd go off the deep end too.
Moving on, because they're probably marinating in this free publicity, is Brody Jenner-Lo-Holly and whoever else doesn't deserve a paragraph to themselves. Jenner is your class act douche bag, although he's much less douche-y than Pratt. Not that that's really saying much. It seems he's always finding another Playmate to fool around with, but then he always goes back to Kristin. How does her scratchy voice not get unbearable to your ears? Lo is not even worth talking about. She's average. Great, that's really good for the ratings. As for Holly, 95% of the time she's drunk, the other 5% she's crying. It sums up her life, really. Although I give her kudos for making it on to the show, she's probably getting paid more each week than the mortgage on my house.

Lastly, there's Steph Pratt. When she's not crying, she's getting DUIs, lip injections, and losing weight. Don't you remember her Us Weekly cover?

Ah yes, Us Weekly. Letting desperate has-beens (or never-beens) announce their deepest, darkest secrets with grace. I love the irony of this photo. She's SOOOOOO self conscious, as she poses for a magazine cover in a bikini. Total self hatred, right there. How could that sincere, saddened face not tear you up?
All right, I've spent way too much time being sucked into realm of fake drama for now. In fact, a new episode's on next Tuesday! Oh goody-goody gumdrops. Be sure to put on your stilettos and get ready to melt some brain cells. I'll leave you with a quote from the wise, the experienced, Dalai Lama of Hollywood.

                        "Once you are married, you're married."

-Audrina Patridge

Hi can you get out of my face? Thanks.

As if it's Tuesday already.
Sorry I've been slacking, folks. My doctor diagnosed me with a severe case of apathy.
But I've got some pills and I'm here for you..now.
Cue the bugles!! Bugles....isn't that a dog? Oh never mind, that's BEAGLES.
Regardless, today I've got a bone to pick. It's something which comes to my attention every so often, usually with the same people. And enough is enough.
You know when you get back to school after a weekend of binge drinking, sleeping around, hitting bongs and being rebellious doing your homework, and you go to your homeroom class, and there's that ONE person just WAITING, waiting to prey on some innocent person. Which happens to be you.
You try to escape..avoid eye contact..pretend you forgot your pencil..but it's too late. They see you. And they're going to pounce.

"Oh, HEY! Omigod. How was your weekend? Mine was so so so crazy. I went to this party Friday night and oh my god. So many things happened. It was just insane....."

A.K.A. ASK ME ABOUT MY WEEKEND ASK ME ASK ME ASK ME!

If you're weak and spineless, you can take the "easy" route and simply ask the inevitable, "What happened?" And then be forced to endure endless ramblings until the bell rings. But this isn't and will never be the path I take, because I like meaningful, preferably two-sided conversations.
Instead, I get the hell out of here before they can keep hinting that I should ask them about their weekend. I highly suggest you do the same, before your ear is literally talked off by said moron. You don't want to end up like Picasso, do you? Or was that Van Gogh..

Well this is why I don't work at an art museum.

These people are what I like to call Obnoxious. There are things us regular people do when we need to vent, such as a) tell someone who actually cares or b) write in a journal. Does it really look like I give a shit about your weekend? If I asked, then yes, I do. If I didn't, spare me.
If you need to blab explicit details, blab to the drunk hobo on the street. Or to the bus driver. But don't be surprised when he accidentally drives off the road because he's distracted by your annoying voice.
I mean, really? There comes a time when you just have to accept that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that there are many things I'd rather do besides listen to your cuhhhhraaaazy weekend. Like watch paint dry. Or scratch my nails down a chalkboard.
Do you get the picture? Stop being a half minded twit and invest in a journal. They're only like fifteen bucks at Chapters.
Or start a blog.
But be aware that it can't compete with mine. (You can try though.)

-j

Wouldn't heaven be kind of cold and/or boring?

It's Friday, folks.
So, you all know my angry bias against strongly religious people. This is only when
a) They hate gay people
b) They push Jesus' amazingness on me (no, thank you). 

Other than that, I can understand not really but I probably should people's need to have a positive thing in their lives. As long as they don't take it too seriously.
Unfortunately, a LOT of people do. I was watching some YouTube videos about Westboro Baptist Church (They go to different cities with signs that say "God Hates Fags" etc, etc. They think all soldiers who die serving our countries deserve it. They're clearly psychopaths) and I started getting confused. 
I know the majority of heavily religious people AREN'T as harsh as they are, however, just like the crazies at W.B.C., they are hung up on the idea of heaven vs. hell. 
According to Wikipedia (such a reliable source, I know. Shut up) "Heaven is a transcendental realm wherein human beings who have transcended human living live in an afterlife." It is supposedly "the holiest possible place, accessible by people according to various standards of divinity, goodness, piety, faith or other virtues."
Yeah yeah.  
On the contrary, there's Hell. Oooooh, the ever so daunting Hell. H-e-double hockey sticks, as us young children used to call it. I've been a little bit wary of Hell ever since I saw the original version of "Scrooge". Not enough to start praying to an imaginary god and being a fun killer, though. Hell is APPARENTLY and by apparently I mean the crazy religious people made it up to yell at us about having one too many drinks at the employee Christmas party (once again, according to my best friend Wikipedia) a place of punishment and suffering in the underworld. Yadda Yadda. Want to know more boring fictitious ideas? Head to Wiki, but I'm done spouting information. 


What I'm trying to get at, is that the idea of going to heaven makes people do crazy shit. Like hold up signs that say "God Hates Fags". For some reason, I feel like these people would be rejected at the gates of Heaven. In fact, they'd probably be given a restraining order to go within 1000 feet of it. The bouncers outside Heaven night club (which has ONLY non-alcoholic beverages and doesn't allow grinding) would punch them to Mars. For some reason, I think this is a more likely situation than them enjoying the calm, happiness that is ideally Heaven. 


I literally DON'T comprehend how people can live their lives in FEAR of the afterlife? You have between 80-100 years of life, IF THAT. And you're going to let what happens after you're DEAD control you all of those years? It's insane to me. What a waste. The problem is, people live in fear. Fear controls us and eats us alive. It's sick to see.
It's sickening to see people hate other people SO much that they're protesting at a funeral, because they think the dead person wasn't obeying god. 
Clearly, they haven't heard of a little ditty called RESPECT by Aretha Franklin. I think they need to give that a listen and then feel entitled to go shout discriminatory remarks at funeral goers, who are there to rest their family or friend in peace.
If you're telling me that openly hating people will send you to "Heaven"? Honey you need to be institutionalized. If you're telling me that liking girls will send me to "Hell", then fine. Honestly, Hell sounds a lot cooler than Heaven. Everyone there is totally bad ass and there's lots of fire. Sweeeet. In Heaven, all you'll do is chat with other turtleneck-wearing, Bible reading, crazies like yourself. Oh and possibly hang out with that lady from the Philadelphia cream cheese commercials.
In conclusion;  
When it comes down to it, who gives a flying fuck what happens to you after you die? YOU'RE DEAD. YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD. 








 

Heidi 3.0

IT'S WEDNESDAY!
Hey people.
I'm sure you can tell by the title that I'll be discussing none other than your favourite reality TV star, Heidi Montag. Or as I like to call her, FrankenHeidi.
Here's the thing-I was following Heidi on Twitter back in the day, however, her 'PRAISE JESUS!' tweets got a little too intense for my little feed to handle. Hence, I unfollowed. I'm sure she cried that night.
Since then, my uninterest in her clearly sparked some sort of crazy wire in her brain, because she went out and did the following: eyebrow lift,  fat injected in her cheeks, nose job, ears pinned back, lip injections, chin shaved down, back shaped, breasts redone (DDD), inner/outer lipo.
I got this off of the premiere episode of The Hills (research purposes only) in which her new face is introduced with this one-liner to her Mom, "What? You act like I have a new face or something."
Ha ha ha.
Hysterical.
I thought that her unveiling would be a lot more comical, but for the most part, it was just depressing. 
You'd think that with all those procedures, she'd actually look good, right? But no, she looks like washed up 40 year old pornstar. 

Well that sucks.


I mean, you spend big bucks to get all this foreign stuff injected into you, and what do you get? A creepy new face I wouldn't pay 2 cents for that brings your mother to tears. 
That's the reality of Hollywood. There's like 1% of the population feeding into all that "perfection" stuff, and the rest of us forget to shave our armpits in the shower.
So there you go. If you ever win the lottery, you can cross "complete body makeover circa Heidi Montag" off of your list. If you even had that there. If you did I'm going to have to question your IQ. I'm going to assume it's low. Like, Heidi low. (I guess that would make sense.) 

And then we've got good ole Mr. Plastic Surgeon Man saying she was doing it for her career. 


I just have a question.


WHAT CAREER? The one where she struts around in low budget (and by low budget I mean, filmed by Spencer Pratt aka Dirty Rat Bastard, on a camera shittier than mine) music video on the beach singing her 99% computer sung songs.  You'll laugh. I promise.

Oh okay, thanks for clearing that up.
At the end of the day, she'll just become another has-been, reality TV whore who's probably divorced (let's hope it's because Spencer falls off a cliff) who sits at home, talking to her twelve cats and leaving stalker breathing messages on LC's phone.
And the rest of us with natural cleavage will still have the priviledge of riding rollercoasters.  Which is really all that matters.


Ciao.