The Hills: Diminish any existing brain cells in under half an hour!

Hello, everyone! Yes, I know, I've been gone far too long. But, you don't give a shit why I was gone, you just want me back. I see. (Is that cocky? Rargghh). If you're wondering why anyways, I've been feeding my obsession with Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Specifically, the current one, Fresh Meat 2. I have a man-crush on Kenny Santucci. And an actual crush on Laurel.
Otherwise, it's just been kind of a hiatus, observing new things to bitch write about, you know the deal. Or do you? If you're a non-writer, non-reader (if so, please fall off a cliff) then I guess you wouldn't know the effort slash rewarding nature of being one. But sometimes it gets a little tiresome and you need a break to think of fresh ideas.
Either way, I'm back. Think of me as Jaina 2.0, Turbo Sarcasm 500. If that makes sense. I really ought to take up teaching classes on being sarcastic, or at least on how to complete an i-will-wilt-you-like-a-flower-step-down-you-pathetic-piece-of-wobbly-no-backboned-snake stare. I've gotten compliments on my abilities.
I'm going to stop being a completely self-centered Spencer Pratt-like human being (minus the crystals and the psycho wife) and get down to it. In fact, speaking of The Hills alumni, today I've got a bone to pick with more than just the good ole Pratt family. Who we all know is way past Crazytown and is making a dash towards Bonkersville. I realize a few posts ago, I did one solely focusing on the Heidi transformation.

However-The ENTIRE Hills cast, apart from Jayde Nicole, who can be a bitch to me any time, is the most annoying group of people I have ever observed from the safety of my couch.  And I've watched many countless, mindless episodes of The Real Housewives of _______(fill in your cougartown of choice). Each week, in the 10 Spot on MTV, you can tune in to see the ever so conflicted lives of Audrina Patridge, Kristin Cavallari, Brody Jenner, Stephanie Pratt, Mr. and Mrs. Spencer Pratt (aka the psychotic black magic clan) and who else...oh yeah, Lo something-or-other and Heidi's sister who's always either crying or drunk off her ass. Quite the bunch, eh? Literally, all they do is drink, gossip about fake gossip that their producers tell them to gossip about, and shop for shoes.Repeatedly. Oh, and throw in a few catfights, drug rumours and the most pointless conversations ever to take place. (All pre-planned and rehearsed, no less).
For research purpose ONLY, I've been watching every week. Let me tell you, the commercial breaks have become a relief. Whenever Audrina is on the screen, I feel like clawing out my eyeballs. You guys. I DON'T THINK SHE HAS A BRAIN. I wish I could say I'm over-exaggerating. I'm sure many of you know what I mean. She puts a lot of thought into everything she says, it's like, you can see the wheels turning, but nothing comes out except a jumble of likes and ums. Her actual speaking time on The Hills is probably at the rate of one or maybe two sentences a week. If she feels up to it. As long as she's got a six pack and a new hipster boyfriend to leech on to, she's golden.
Good grief.
As for Kristin Cavallari, where the fuck did she come from? I mean, I know she did Laguna Beach, but where did she go before Lauren Conrad ditched the shit show and gave her an opportunity to be a reality tv whore again? More importantly, WHY IS HER VOICE SO HOARSE ALL THE TIME? Hasn't she heard of Fisherman's Friend or Halls? Somebody give this girl a lozenge, stat. 
To be honest, I used to love The Hills. (The first and second season, when I was a young grasshopper). I ate up Lauren and Jason's "drama" and hated on Spencer (some things never change). Mostly, I can recall Heidi's cute little face with her pointy chin and dark eyebrows. Well, it's a faint memory. If you've been hiding under a rock, lucky for you, you haven't endured the awkward plastic sight that is Heidi Montag...shall we say, remodeled, for lack of a nicer better word.

 *Mom crying* "What? You act like I have a new face or something."

 If you've recently been in a grocery store or on the internet, you've seen headlines about the dysfunctional pair. Let's go from beginning to current disaster, shall we? The following are all Heidi Us Weekly covers: "I Was Betrayed By Spencer", "Why I Called Off My Wedding", "I'm Ready To Say I Do", "Heidi And Spencer Elope", "Revenge Plastic Surgery", "Her Mom's Fury", "Addicted To Plastic Surgery", "Destroyed By Fame". There's probably more, but you get the point.
What do others think of the duo? One online comment read:

Too bad all that surgery didn't do anything for her brain!!!!! She's still a retard who's so damn fake and "in love" with that tool of a boyfriend.

How nice of you, anonymous commenter. In Time magazine, they were recently crowned one of the least influential public figures. The article states: "“You used to be famous for being famous. Then you were famous for getting lots of plastic surgery and selling only 658 copies of your album in its first week. Now you’re not famous. That was fast.”
658 copies? Wow, if I were her, I'd go off the deep end too.
Moving on, because they're probably marinating in this free publicity, is Brody Jenner-Lo-Holly and whoever else doesn't deserve a paragraph to themselves. Jenner is your class act douche bag, although he's much less douche-y than Pratt. Not that that's really saying much. It seems he's always finding another Playmate to fool around with, but then he always goes back to Kristin. How does her scratchy voice not get unbearable to your ears? Lo is not even worth talking about. She's average. Great, that's really good for the ratings. As for Holly, 95% of the time she's drunk, the other 5% she's crying. It sums up her life, really. Although I give her kudos for making it on to the show, she's probably getting paid more each week than the mortgage on my house.

Lastly, there's Steph Pratt. When she's not crying, she's getting DUIs, lip injections, and losing weight. Don't you remember her Us Weekly cover?

Ah yes, Us Weekly. Letting desperate has-beens (or never-beens) announce their deepest, darkest secrets with grace. I love the irony of this photo. She's SOOOOOO self conscious, as she poses for a magazine cover in a bikini. Total self hatred, right there. How could that sincere, saddened face not tear you up?
All right, I've spent way too much time being sucked into realm of fake drama for now. In fact, a new episode's on next Tuesday! Oh goody-goody gumdrops. Be sure to put on your stilettos and get ready to melt some brain cells. I'll leave you with a quote from the wise, the experienced, Dalai Lama of Hollywood.

                        "Once you are married, you're married."

-Audrina Patridge